Yummy Yum-Yums

So, out of school and unemployed, I've been killing a lot of time in the kitchen. While being job-less is starting to get sad and pathetic, getting my cook on has been pretty fucking satisfying. Cooking for my family every day is like being on Top Chef or Hell's Kitchen. but when the food sucks, angry dudes don't yell at me; instead, noses are upturned and peanut butter sandwiches are discreetly consumed.

I've enjoyed a remarkable rate of success, though. These are some excellent recipes I've been using:

• Farmgirl's illustrated guide to PITA BREAD. Man, this shit is fantastic. It isn't overly complicated, and extracting little puffed-up breads from the oven makes me happy inside.
  
  
• From New Zealand, BUTTERY CARROT SOUP. It had a much mellower flavor than I expected, which was good (I was expecting it to taste like V-8 Carrot Juice or something).
  
  
• WHOLE WHEAT TORTILLAS. They taste amazing. I never want to eat the wimpy, comparatively flavorless store-bought kind again. My tortillas aren't as flexible as they could (should?) be, so I need to work on that. I use olive oil rather than shortening. We've never, ever had shortening in our house. Ever.
  
  
• Homemade GRANOLA BARS are delightful. Basically, the recipe is 3 cups of oatmeal, 1 can of sweetened condensed milk, and 3-4 cups of whatever (I use walnuts, cranberries, and raisins). I omit the butter, and I've never successfully removed the bars while still warm. I cut them while warm, then refrigerate them so they solidify, then remove them from the pan. These granola bars could function as currency in my house. I usually hoard them in the far recesses of the fridge.

Lately, I've also made potato gnocchi (an almost worthwhile nightmare), "Hawaiian Egg Bread" (never again), and focaccia bread (yay!). Knowing how to cook shit is pretty awesome. While I sweat over the hot stove or cover my hands in gooey bread dough, I always have this internal diatribe about how, in industrialized nations, corporations attempt to divorce us from the knowledge of food production. I have this feeling that parents don't pass on recipes to their children like they used to, and if they do, they involve blocks of Velveeta and cans of condensed cream of mushroom soup. Yeah, I'm unemployed so I have a lot of time on my hands. But cooking from scratch - real food, not factory food - doesn't have to take all day. This is a claim created by ad executives to sell Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, and Applebee's entrees. That is not food. That is bullshit.

P.S. If you haven't already, read Michael Pollan's "Unhappy Meals." It really hardened my opposition to "lite" substitutes for high-fat, natural foods like butter and cheese. I'm not fat because I've been eating sticks of butter; I'm fat because I've been living on a diet of artificial flavors and textures paraded around as "low-cal" and "healthy."

Have you been living under a rock or something?

No. Under a thesis, for a while. But no rocks.

I officially bade farewell to school yesterday, when the university graciously decided to graduate me. Finishing graduate school was the hardest thing I've done in the last six years, and maybe ever. It wasn't physically hard, like running a marathon or thumb wrestling, but it definitely took its toll on my mind and body. Next challenge: fix my mind and body. Mostly body.

I go to the gym 5 days a week not to get skinny, because that will never happen (and I wouldn't want it to). I push myself to exercise for several big-time reasons:

• If my health continues at this pace, I am scheduled for a mid-life crisis any time now. Some fat people are healthy, I will admit that. But I, clearly, am not.
• I want to turn down invitations to play softball and tennis because I hate being sweaty and outside, not because I'm in bad shape.
• I want to have a baby. Next year, if I can swing it.

On June 13, while sobbing through the Rosie O'Donnell gay family cruise documentary, I decided to have a child via anonymous donor insemination (man, that sounds fancy!). I lost a best friend and a warm, fuzzy drug problem because of this decision, but I gained a future. Never before have I imagined a real future for myself, other than the depressing prediction of things always being the same. I have had many, many grand ideas in my lifetime (become an astronaut! move to New York! be a mobile artist!) but this one (raise a loving, compassionate, feminist child!) has not faltered. I think about it every day. It is safe to say that I want this more than anything I've ever wanted before.

That is a scary thought. It seems like I have spent the last few years distancing myself from the expectation of motherhood. But I'm not doing this because my uterus obliges me to. I'm doing it because I can't imagine a better use of my life than creating and sustaining a human being with a loving, just heart.

So, that's what I've been doing.

Did You Read the Syllabus?

Every semester, I check out Rate My Professor, to choose a teacher (on the rare occasion I have a choice) and to get a preview of her/his teaching style and classroom antics. 75% of the comments are usually from people I classify as "bad students" - people who don't come to class, don't do homework, or don't study but still expect to make high grades.

Teachers' conversations about bad students are usually limited to the faculty lounge, or if you are me, anywhere with a pitcher of margaritas. If you teach and like to bitch about things, check out Rate Your Students.

Macaroni Pizza

If I were to make a list of things I love about the internets, it would start like this:

1. If it doesn't Google, it probably doesn't exist.
2. At least one other person on the internet knows what you are talking about, no matter what you are talking about.

While avoiding responsibility (thesis: unfinished, house: a damn wreck), I found this awesome post on Chowhound - "Recipes You've Never Heard of Outside Your Family".

I expected to read some crazy shit, but instead, I encountered many of my family's own "unique" recipes. It was really interesting to read posters' descriptions of their family's wacky eats (always assuming they were an isolated experience) and then for other posters to write about the same foods. Also, people frequently talked about these family recipes as "comfort foods," and craving them when they feel ill or depressed.

In summary: food rocks. It makes me sad that people don't care as much about food as they used to, and maybe as much as they should. Food shouldn't be boiled down to carb counts and Weight Watchers points. Food isn't just nutrients; it is culture condensed onto a plate.

In addition to some of the dishes listed in that discussion, my family made this thing called macaroni pizza. Basically, the pizza crust is replaced with a bed of cooked macaroni, and topped as usual. It is super delicious, and I imagine it would be just as tasty mixed together in a pot (though we ate it cut into squares). Anyway, read through the looong thread to a) feel nostalgic about your own family foods, and b) find some awesome recipes. I just found Chowhound today, but I think we are in love.

P.S. Unrelated photo = The Be Good Tanyas. I started listening to them because my favorite musician (I really think if I had to pick one, it would be her), Jolie Holland, was once in the band. Very few of their songs are what I would call happy, but don't let that stop you.

Jolie Holland represents a turning point in my music collection. Before her, if you asked if I liked country music or bluegrass or anything except white-boy indie rock, I would have scoffed. Country, WTF? But now... at least 10% of my iTunes library consists of stuff with more than just a little twang. When I was a teenager, I sat next to this country-praising punk rocker at a Fiona Apple concert. I told him I didn't like country, and he told me it would change when I got older. Thanks, dude. You were right.

P.P.S. On the same note, check out some tracks by Rocky Votolato. I used to have one song of his a long time ago, but I'm really into him right now. His shit is heartbreaking. I think I've finally gotten over being ashamed of The South.

Testing the Limits of the Mix CD Code of Honor

Do you want to make a mix CD with only stalker songs? Nonsense songs? Songs about summertime? Pop Culture Madness has dozens of theme lists to get you started.

If I were to make a mix CD right now, it would contain all or some of the following artists (in no particular order): Final Fantasy, Land of Talk, The Postmarks, Cibelle, and Podington Bear.

Hey, check out this completely unrelated painting by Joseph Park, "Untitled (Silver Service)":

That is truly brilliant.

You Owe Me $0.25 an Hour, BatMAN

An oldie but a goodie. In this 1974 Department of Labor PSA, Batgirl arrives on the scene to rescue Batman and Robin... that is, once she receives equal pay for equal work. Batman and Robin are all like "OMG Batgirl, please stop bitching all the time and save us!" And Batgirl is all like "Fuck you, patriarchs. I'll cut the red wire once you cut me a check!"

WTF THOSE IS LIKE HEADLESS LEGLESS CAT BODIES

I don't care what you do with your day. As long as you experience "We Has Tribbles and Also Troubles"

If you don't like Star Trek, it probably isn't going to make sense. And you can probably fuck off :)

Despite What You May Think, I Consider This "Living"

... with a capital L and shit.

So this has been my day so far:
At 10AM (exactly one hour after my alarm gave up on me), I extracted myself from bed. I felt glorious. At some point between then and now (3:30PM), I ate Applebee's leftovers, coded my entire thesis database, created a to-do list for analyses to perform on data, and... "surfed the internet." I use that term because, really, I wasn't doing anything guided or linear - I was just wandering around reading stuff. Or surfing, if you will.

That is what I do with most of my "spare" time (which is all the time between when procrastination starts and productivity begins). I read funny, crazy, sad, interesting, or relevant things on the internet. I don't know if I'm addicted to the internet, but we sure do spend a lot of time together. I like to learn. I like to be amused. I like to think.

Obviously, it isn't ruining my ultimate productivity - my whole survey is coded and ready for analyis, and SPSS sure as hell didn't do that itself.* I've been a procrastinator my whole life, but I've also been a pretty high achiever my whole life. Maybe I work well under pressure, maybe my brain works faster than other people's brains, who knows. But I spend a whole lot of time "doing nothing."

Except here's the thing. Maybe I'm doing something. I'm entertaining myself. I'm learning. I'm stretching my ability to understand things I have not experienced first hand. I'm thinking critically.** If this was just pointless time-wasting, I think I would probably replace this activity with something better. But what could be better than quiet time with me, my brain, and all the knowledge in the world (AKA the intertubes)?

ANYWAY, I thought of all this while settling down to enjoy each of the 256 comics on www.xkcd.com. I was directed to the site by the creator's new claim to internet fame, "Online Communities." I am currently paused on comic #49, and I'm not giving up until I'm done. Many of the comics are about math and science (the artist has a degree in physics, worked for NASA, etc.), and many are about love and life (the artist has a heart). They are all funny, in different ways. I'd make a list of my favorites, but I don't want to discourage you from looking at all of them.

During my final non-profit class last night, another student told me that "we" (all the people in the room, and in the world, I guess) don't have time to make our own bread or socks.*** A few weeks ago, someone else told me that it was not resource-efficient for me to make my own clothes; since time was money, I was better off just buying clothes at the store. I don't believe this. True, most people won't acknowledge that they have time for these things - that they have the time for anything, really. Many people are so caught up in the rat race that they think they don't even have time to make eye contact with others, act in accordance with traffic laws, or hard-boil eggs.****

It seems like people are embarrassed to admit that they have free time - only lazy stoners have free time, duh. Plus, people don't seem to think that we deserve time to just be happy, because chances are, if it makes you happy, you aren't making money or practicing to make money. But what the fuck. How is this the most important thing ever? Why is happiness not the most important thing? Why are relationships (with ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities) not the most important thing?

In conclusion, I am disillusioned with people who think they are so busy that they don't have time to live. This attitude is based on the desire to accumulate as much stuff, money, and prestige as possible. Most people don't have as much "me time" as I have right now, but certainly all middle-class people have some. Its about priorities, not hours or minutes. I prioritize being happy, being smart and creative, and feeling alive. "Too busy" people prioritize Prada bags, gated communities, and ceaseless competition.

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For the record, I make my own bread because it delights me to know that every ingredient contained within can be pronounced by a first grader. I want to make my own clothes because I don't want to perpetuate the economic exploitation of women and children working in apparel factories (because I am motivated by humanity, not money). And I would make my own socks, but they look stupid with flip-flops :)

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*Well, it kind of did. But I told it what to do.

**For example, I never once posted urban legends as bulletins on MySpace. I have sent fan letters to snopes.com.

***We were asked to state our wishes for what the community would look like in 2017. Among other things, I wished that more community cooperation and less buying/more making (by real people, not corporations) of household goods.

****Check out the dairy section in a middle-to-high class supermarket (i.e., Harris Teeter but not Food Lion). You'll find pre-boiled and peeled eggs.

"M + Ms" - The Future of Britney Spears

On the eve of Britney Spears' post-head-shaving/repeatedly-dropping-out-of-rehab comeback, I'd like to publicly state my predictions for her future.

She is going to be a badass.

I've never really been a fan of her music or persona, but I think that her public breakdown and subsequent rocky recovery is going to end up being the best thing that ever happened to her... and to little girls looking for pop star role models.

I reserve the right to be wrong about this. But I think, after a lifetime of men telling her what to do with her career and her body, she is lashing back. While "girl power" feminism leaves much to be desired, its better than a pop music industry full of "Stand by Your Man" songs. If all this works out, don't be shocked when I buy some Britney CDs for my little sisters. Or myself.

Prepare for the Collective "AWWWWW!"

A YouTube Experiment

1. Search for "feminist" or "feminism" on YouTube.
2. Throw up.
3. Keep looking until you find videos that:

• aren't pornography
• don't depict harm or degradation of women
• don't make claims about "reverse sexism" or "misandry"
  

These two made me happy, though.

I'm not really endorsing Chemistry.com

... but I've been waiting a long time for people to publicly address the fact that eHarmony - with their ridiculous Dr. Phil endorsements - discriminates against people seeking a partner of the same sex.

How to Earn a FREE Dinner*

Entertain me by doing this (well!) at a restaurant, and I will reward your foolishness with a free meal. Note: Offer only applies at restaurants of Olive Garden quality or less.